Why We Obsess Over "Figuring Out" Alcohol
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another one of these ten minute Mondays. Today, I wanna start off with a little bit of my own inner dialogue. When I was just starting to make changes, when I was questioning, you know, how my drinking was, where I wanted to go, I wasn't quite sure. I was giving different things a try.
Speaker 1:I was doing long breaks. I was trying moderation. And during this time, I always had these doubts. So I want to give you a replay of one of these days during this period, and maybe it is similar to something that you're going through or have gone through. So let's say I didn't have anything the night before.
Speaker 1:I made it through the night. It was difficult, but I woke up the next day, and I felt really good. I had a clear head. I had good energy, good mood. I was proud of myself for not drinking the night before, for sticking to what I said I'd do.
Speaker 1:And I think to myself, you know, I'm feeling so good. Maybe this is it. Maybe quitting is the answer. Maybe this is what I need to do. And then by the afternoon, maybe I'm thinking, you know, forever though?
Speaker 1:Like, No nights out, no happy hours, maybe no drinks when I take a trip somewhere? Could I maybe be casual about it? Can I get to that take it or leave it space? And then I'd go back to later on that day. But you know what?
Speaker 1:You felt so good this morning. You want to be your best. And then I'd be like, who can always be at their best? Is this you know, am I being extreme here? Am I holding to myself to these expectations that maybe down the road will just lead to imploding later?
Speaker 1:And then thoughts of, you know, I'm not really destroying my career or my family or these stories you hear about, but I'm also not performing at a 100%. And this conversation just keeps cycling over and over again. It would go back and forth throughout the day or maybe on separate days. And then I realized at some point, I'm exhausted, and I I haven't even had a drink yet. And it felt like I was just trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be because that's the thing that I've noticed over the years talking to thousands of people about their alcohol.
Speaker 1:And for a lot of us, what drains people isn't even the drinking anymore. It's trying to figure it all out. Should I quit? Should I moderate? Am I overthinking this?
Speaker 1:Why does this feel bigger for me than maybe everybody else? And what does that mean about me? And I think a lot of people quietly believe that there's this version of themselves that's waiting on the other side of finally figuring out alcohol. Like, once we land on this perfect answer, all of this just disappears. And our brain basically is mistaking certainty of this answer for peace.
Speaker 1:But I'm not sure that's actually how it works. I think what makes this especially difficult, especially for thoughtful people, is that alcohol slowly stops being just a behavior, and it becomes part of our identity that's in question. And in that case, it's not, do I want to drink tonight? But instead, it's, what does this mean about me? Am I disciplined?
Speaker 1:Am I unhealthy? Am I in control? Am I becoming someone I don't want to become? And once alcohol becomes psychologically attached to that identity, morality, future health, productivity, things like relationship and self control, every decision around it suddenly carries this enormous weight. And that's why in those moments, why I thought just one glass of wine could actually trigger something that was hours long or even days long of this internal debate.
Speaker 1:And here's one more other thing. I don't think a lot of people realize how much modern society around wellness culture has begun to intensify this. Because now alcohol isn't just a drink or a social activity or just a way to relax. Now it's actually connected to sleep scores and liver health and anxiety, inflammation and longevity. And people wake up, they maybe look at their Oura Ring or their tracker, and suddenly last night's glass of wine feels like this moral and existential event that happened.
Speaker 1:And then, you know, you open up your phone, you look on Instagram, and then you see all these health experts and stats around something that we really didn't talk about in this light until more recently. So it's been built up. Instead of just asking yourself, do I feel like a drink? You're almost sometimes asking, what kind of future am I creating? And that's a very different psychological experience than maybe previous generations have had around alcohol.
Speaker 1:There's actually a branch of psychology around something called intolerance of uncertainty. And basically, some brains, they hate unresolved questions. Researchers have found that some people experience uncertainty as something that's very deeply uncomfortable. When the brain cannot arrive at this clarity, it tends to increase things like rumination, overanalysis, and repetitive thoughts. In other words, the brain keeps trying to close these open tabs.
Speaker 1:And this becomes incredibly relevant with alcohol because alcohol is one of the few things in modern adult life that exists in this strange gray zone. It's socially normalized, but we know that it's biologically costly. It's associated with celebration and connection, but it's also associated with poor sleep and anxiety and inflammation and health risks just in general. And because there's no universally agreed upon right answer, the brain just keeps searching for one. And that almost becomes an obsession.
Speaker 1:And when I say obsession, not necessarily for the alcohol itself. It's that unresolved ambiguity that's around it. In fact, in 2024, there was a study that found that people with higher intolerance of uncertainty also showed stronger drinking motives tied to things like coping and relief, which pretty much makes sense if you think about it. Sometimes the brain is not reaching for alcohol because it wants pleasure. Sometimes it just wants resolution.
Speaker 1:Not conscious resolution, nervous system resolution. The feeling of, ah, finally, I can stop and pause and think for a minute. And I think this explains something really important that I've noticed in myself and a lot of other people. There's this enormous emotional relief that people feel after they make dramatic declarations around alcohol. You know?
Speaker 1:That's it. I'm done forever. I'm starting Monday, thirty days. No more weekday drinking. I'm gonna figure this out.
Speaker 1:And for a moment, when you do that, your brain, it relaxes. Nothing though has truly changed overnight. Your life didn't transform instantly. But in that moment, you give a temporary end to that uncertainty. There's a psychological concept called cognitive closure, which basically describes the brain's desire for clear answers.
Speaker 1:And the reason is humans feel calmer when things feel settled. And honestly, this is why I think a lot of people swing between these extremes with alcohol because the brain, it keeps searching for that clarity. But then something happens and you might identify with this and you probably do. Real life, it comes back online. There's stress and vacations and celebrations.
Speaker 1:You have a fight with a partner, or maybe it's just a random Thursday. And then suddenly that final answer that you gave to yourself doesn't feel so final anymore. And that's where people often start thinking, why can't I just figure this thing out? And here's where it gets interesting from a neuroscience perspective. There's something called reactants.
Speaker 1:When people feel controlled or psychologically cornered, another part of their brain pushes back. And we don't do this just socially, we do this internally. I can never drink again. I have to fix this. I must get this in control.
Speaker 1:Then another part of your brain rebels because humans resist force, even for themselves. And I think that's why the all or nothing approaches can create so much inconsistency for certain people. I am the epitome of this. The brain becomes trapped between craving resolution and resisting restriction. That tension is exhausting.
Speaker 1:So what's the alternative? I don't actually think that alcohol is something that most people permanently solve once and then never think about it again. I think healthier relationships with alcohol often come from building psychological flexibility instead of rigid answers and rules. And this is where harm reduction becomes really interesting. Because harm reduction is often misunderstood as just reduce the harm by drinking less.
Speaker 1:But philosophically, it's much deeper than that. It's the recognition that sustainable behavior change usually works better with flexibility, awareness, experimentation, and reduced shame instead of internal warfare. And that's not just me talking here. That is supported in the research too. Motivational interviewing, which has decades of evidence behind it, works specifically because it avoids excessive confrontation and supports autonomy instead.
Speaker 1:Why is that? Because humans experience that reactance that I mentioned. Now this doesn't mean that structure is bad and in fact far from it. The research around things like thirty day breaks or planning and tracking your drinking or just behavioral modifications and strategies are actually pretty compelling. People actually end up drinking less long term.
Speaker 1:They feel physically better. They gain more awareness. But the difference is actually in the framing. The healthiest behavior changes often come out of curiosity and experimentation rather than these identity crises that we have or these identity panics even. There's a big psychological difference between, hey, I'm running this experiment to better understand my relationship with alcohol, then I need to solve this for myself immediately.
Speaker 1:One creates awareness. The other one is an act or impulse on fear. Here's what I've come to understand. The brain mistakes certainty for peace. But real peace doesn't usually come from solving alcohol once and for all.
Speaker 1:It comes from no longer needing every single decision that we make to define who we are. You don't need one perfect declaration tonight. You don't need to solve for the next thirty years. Maybe the goal isn't becoming a perfect drinker or becoming a perfect non drinker. Maybe the goal is more honesty and awareness, more intentionality, And that leads to less automatic behavior and less shame and most of all, more self trust.
Speaker 1:And I think a lot of people are waiting to feel a peace around alcohol before they can even trust themselves. But maybe that self trust is actually built the other way around. Maybe it's built through small, honest decisions repeated over time because the brain will keep searching for resolution. But maybe it's not about finding it at all. Maybe it's about becoming comfortable enough with the ambiguity that you can make intentional choices without feeling like you need to make those extremes.
Speaker 1:That's when alcohol becomes more of a choice again, and that exhaustion finally stops. Okay. That's it for today. I forgot to mention, I hope you had a great three day weekend celebrated with friends and loved ones. And if it went as planned, congratulations.
Speaker 1:And if it didn't, still have grace for yourself. There's always today. If you got anything out of this, please read and review wherever you're listening to. I always love hearing from the listeners. Please send me an email, [email protected].
Speaker 1:And until next time, cheers to your mindful drinking journey.
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